First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
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Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.