What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
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as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
Isn’t
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
uncle dave has been through hell
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.