Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
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DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
My blood type is coffee.
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad