me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
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MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
describing stardew valley
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES