She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
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Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you