Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
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me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
😍😂🥰😂😍
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”