I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
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Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
For the ones in the back.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.