Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
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If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
I was bored.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless