I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
You Might Also Like
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
i love modern commerce
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt