2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
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A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
The morning after pill, but for tweets
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm