My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
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There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…