VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
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I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”