Get in, there’s no time to explain.
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ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
lot going on here, legally speaking.
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.