Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
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STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.