[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
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My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
Did…did a minotaur write this
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂