People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
You Might Also Like
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
<—- homeless romantic
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?