This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
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I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”