Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
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Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
Current mood: Potato
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
I’m crying im so happy for them
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”