Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
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Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
man i love columbo
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life