I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
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I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave