My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
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Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave