Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
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Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats