I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
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Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
#MeanwhileInCanada
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
Classic German Shepherd 😂
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it: