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🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
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my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.