[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
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the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
Print is alive and well!!!
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
was Jim off killing horses or…
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”