(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
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“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
Stonehinge
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.