*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
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Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.