I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
You Might Also Like
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
There’s no “u” in narcissist
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope