Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
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Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.