WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
You Might Also Like
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
My biological clock is wheezing.
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet