I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
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Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?