whatcha thinkin bout
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I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
u spoke cat all this time??????
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
My warrants are pretty outstanding.