Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
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YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
Netflix and you sit over there.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.