PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
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Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌