I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
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this is the best interaction on twitter
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.