Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
You Might Also Like
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
what does he know…
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?