* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
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Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.