james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
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Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
my first dose meeting my second
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.