Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
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[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
Worth the read.
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
Support your local cemetery
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.