Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
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I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.