Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
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I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?