Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
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Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
That lamp looks PISSED.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel