3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
You Might Also Like
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense