there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
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the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.