Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
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ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.