Bite me again
– my bottom lip
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Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
🙂🙃🥹
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.