Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
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Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
rich people when they have to pay taxes
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”