My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
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*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.