A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
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Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
Ooh I do like a good funnel
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?