Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
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How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
May have had one breakfast too many
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]